Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I am all good here, 😂😉
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.