I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
got so much cardio in today
SCARY COSTUME
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.