No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.