Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
every. time.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.