[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
jesus christ confetti not now
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.