[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..