In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.