Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
This rocks
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.