Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.