buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist