Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.