Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My favorite female superhero
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Ok but actually
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.