My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”