One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The three genders
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
relationship goals
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.