My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
thanks auntie mary
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?