My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.