Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.