I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My love language is deader than Latin
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping