[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*sewing*
A thread
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not