[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
You Might Also Like
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.