Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
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4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”