My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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Labreador
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.