A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.