I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.