Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.