Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas