Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy