When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Order here:
More here:
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
From Facebook just now…
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.