The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.