Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.