Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.