Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
no regrets
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit