My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out