Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town