*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.