My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
You Might Also Like
Sing it!
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
<- sleeps well with others
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”