Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.