[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
couldn’t resist
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!