My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?