I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
liiiiiiiiike
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I feel it
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The three genders
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity