a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I am having an out of money experience.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
no one ever comes back
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.