My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
You Might Also Like
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My love language is deader than Latin
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”