inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.