Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.