Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
😂😂
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.