I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
my dad has had enough
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong