*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.