Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Breaking news:
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
fair
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
💯😂
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Spider-cat: No One Home
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.