interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Storm Tropical Storm
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that