My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
i did the math
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
forgive me baja for i have blast
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.